We have no comment on the web buzz that the famous teevee outlaw Jesse James has been cheating on his wife the Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock with a totally tattooed and bulging leopardskin-brassiered babe named Michelle Bombshell McGee who has nicknamed him the Vanilla Gorilla and shown texts on her phone from the bad boy promising a good licking, and whose boss at the Pure Platinum Strip Club says is quite deep, like the modern-day Elvira, and says she’s the gal you’d turn to if you needed a good dominating.

We have no comment because these reports might be an exaggeration of the truth as he says. For example the word “good” wasn’t on the text.

Nor will we suggest that Michelle Bombshell McGee actually feels betrayed by the teevee outlaw, because he lied to her too, and that revenge might be her motive, not the $30,000 she was paid for the interview; no, we won’t say that it’s about karma, or that it’s an old biblical tale, Hell Hath No Fury.

But we do have a comment on the teevee outlaw’s honesty and character.

Our LandSpeedLouise has had an experience with him. She comes out on top, which might not be so hard with him. In fact she nails his balls to the wall.

Here’s what he claims:

Jesse James is the land-speed world record holder for a Hydrogen-powered Internal Combustion Engine car. That’s right, a car that emits almost zero emissions. He shattered the old record of 186 MPH reaching a speed of 199.7 MPH on the Mojave Desert flats on June 17th while filming the final episode of Dead Man! Chasing a dream and following a vision, he, along with his very best team of mechanics, designed the perfect vehicle for the task. His hard work and undeniable quest for speed finally showed its face as he put to rest all the doubt.

Phony record holder

The truth, by Louise Ann Noeth:

There was no record. In my opinion, Mr. James is a simply a brazen liar who cheats all those good men and women who have for decades honestly laid it on the line to ink a spot in the record books.

The claim of besting BMW’s FIA ratified hydrogen-powered World Record Speed Record on June 16th on the southern California El Mirage dry lake is without merit since the activities were conducted without benefit of any motorsports sanctioning authority.

Real record holder

James never made application for a record attempt to ANY sanctioning authority anywhere in the USA or Europe. That’s like saying you won the Indy 500 without bothering to qualify for one of the 33 starting spots.

The vehicle, engine and fuel system was never inspected, documented or certified by any recognized motorsports authority. The timing personnel—Chronologic Timing, of North Tustin, CA—are independent contractors misrepresented by James as “SCTA timers.”

The Southern California Timing Association (SCTA), the leading land speed racing authority in the United States, demanded its name be removed from any of James’ activities and has obtained retractions from noted publications on this point.

The speed stunt was for the season-ending episode of James’s TV show, Jesse James is a Dead Man. James hired land speed race Mike Cook Motorsports to rework the old streamliner to accept a 572-cubic-inch twin-turbo Chevrolet big block. It is puzzling that Cook, a noted and successful land speed racer, would align himself with such disingenuous racing activity.

World Land Speed Records require two runs over a one-mile course within one hour. Any world record holder will tell you it’s quite a technical feat to hold speed for a full mile. According Chronologic, James reached his claimed speed of 199 mph for 132 feet, or 5,148 feet short, for just one way. He made only three or four passes  in a full day.

Mr. James’ efforts count for absolutely nothing on the world motorsports stage and amount to little more than a self-promoting “TV racer” PR stunt since he chose to ignore the sport’s sanctioning rules that have applied to all racers and certified records for the past 80 years.

James claims to have bested the FIA ratified BMW HR2 record of 185 mph. The internal combustion engine BMW set 9 international and FIA-ratified land-speed records for hydrogen cars at the Miramas Proving Grounds in France. He did not.

“He can claim whatever he wants” said an amused Tom Kowaleski, VP of BMW Corporate Communications, “We own the ratified FIA World Record.”

The episode reflected badly on the member club he joined. The LSR Car Club moved quickly to vote James “a member not in good standing.” One sponsor removed James’ record-holding claims from its website. It cost them $15,000 in legal fees to sort out James’ lying mess.

So why am I so upset about all this? Simple. There are too many people now who are saying that the rules don’t matter and that running over the record for 132 feet in a car not built to the rulebook makes him king of the hill.

The real Jesse James

The bedrock of land speed racing is the record. Every single event held anywhere in the world has at its nucleus only one prize – the chance to set a speed record.

There is no purse, no money, and people in the sport race for personal satisfaction, for honor, and good-natured bragging rights.

A record is the truth about an act of driving courage. A record creates a trust in the record holder, the sanctioning body and those who labored for the honor. A record must always imply a lack of deceit.

When I contacted Mr. James to explain the fraudulent claim, he responded with a short crude retort that reminded this writer that vulgarity is indeed the refuge of a destitute mind.

The phony Jesse James

I remain outraged that this TV personality dares to claim fraternity with those people who, in some cases, have given their lives in pursuit of a World Land Speed Record.

Louise Ann Noeth is the winner of the 2009 James Valentine Memorial Award, presented by the Southern California Chapter of the Society of Automotive Historians. She is also the author of “Bonneville: The Fastest Place on Earth,” which can be ordered here